Overwhelmed by a strange sense of apathy
In Woody Allen's Whatever Works there is a scene in which the lead character, played by Larry David of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm renown, wakes in the middle of the night struck by a startling realisation: "I'm... I'm dying!" he cries to his wife, who, panicked, wants to call a doctor. "Not now, he snaps, "I mean eventually!"
It's not Allen's best film, and as far as existential crises go nor is it his most dramatically insightful. Nonetheless, it was one that resonated with me recently, as I realised that I really couldn't care less about the 2011 Rugby World Cup.
This is quite perplexing; normally any major rugby tournament will be enough to get the adrenaline flowing, so why is it that the onset of the biggest one on the planet in the backyard of the world's best team is only leaving me disappointed that the end of the test cricket summer is almost upon us? I have considered this uncharacteristic melancholia at length and surmised that, fortunately, it is you dear excited readers who have lost the plot and not me, which is some selfish relief. The reason for not caring about RWC 2011 is surely one, some or fewer of the following.
1. It's being played in New Zealand. The All Blacks are strong favourites for the cup and with good reason: they are the strongest, fittest side with the most talented players and greater strength in depth. They are also a better, more experienced side than in 2003 and 2007 and of course have home advantage. In short it will be boring if and when they lift the Webb Ellis trophy, as no one likes to see the strong favourite steamrolling all before them on the way to glory. Unless you were English in 2003.
2. The most exciting teams are woefully underfunded and underprepared. I have written about Fiji's problems before, but a lack of IRB investment and an unwillingness of the big teams to engage the likes of Samoa, Fiji and Tonga in warm-up matches on the Islanders' home turf denies these wonderful, exhilarating teams much-needed big match revenue (many of their players have to fund their own World Cup travel, and this has led to some of their most talented players staying at their clubs as they need the money) as well as the chance to get in some serious match practice. Samoa stuffed Australia in a friendly earlier this month, and it seems the big nations are keen to avoid such embarrassments becoming too regular.
3. I am ostensibly an England fan. England won't win the competition this year; their best bet is that the exciting first team players such as Youngs, Ashton, Lawes, Croft and Foden stay fit and go out in a blaze of glory when they come across one of the tri-nations sides. Unfortunately there are far too many players who are throwbacks to a recently bygone era where being muscle-bound and meat-headed was enough; yesterday I heard Tony Blackburn play Kajagoogoo on the radio and saw Lee Mears, Simon Shaw, Lewis Moody, Riki Flutey, Richard Wigglesworth and Charlie Hodgson playing for England (Nick Easter, Shontayne Hape and Mike Tindall are all to return). It is 2011.
4. It's only international rugby. I used the word "ostensibly above for good reason: saying I don't really care how England do after all leaves me at risk of being called unpatriotic. This is a good thing, as patriotism is a concept I have no understanding of: I'm English by chance, and take no pride in the history or achievements of an entire country when I had nothing to do with them. The same can be said of the sporting team that doesn't inspire me, whose brand of rugby I don't particularly care for, and the majority of players in which I find somewhat disagreeable. If they win (which they won't), great for them; if they don't then f*** it. I'm cheering on Fiji anyway when I'm not watching my club's games.
5. Rugby is a silly sport anyway. The thing that makes me consider myself a cricket fan first and foremost, then a rugby fan, is the complete lack of humour involved in the latter. I never really went in for the whole public school, who can drink the most, laddish humour that is generally associated with the game (fairly or not), so that doesn't really count. Still, the macho posturing of the players in the press, the cartoon viciousness on the players' faces during The Haka, the big man-hugs and huddles, the testosterone-fuelled swearing in the dressing room, Lawrence Dallaglio's stupid face: it's all preposterous, and yet no one seems to realise this. It's the sporting equivalent of the Gerard Butler film 300, and anyone who found that inspirational rather than daft is the kind of person who will have Robbie Williams' "Angels played at their funeral; i.e. an idiot.
6. It's only August. Having now used my privileged platform on a rugby website to slate a team of which a third may consist of players from my beloved Northampton Saints, as well as the very sport we are aiming to promote, perhaps it's time to consider that I may be being a little hasty. Most clubs haven't even started their pre-season friendly programme yet, and with the cricket season coming to a climax in the next few weeks rugby really hasn't registered that highly in the nation's collective consciousness (apart from in the mind of Sky Sports' sycophantic-cheerleader-in-chief Miles Harrison), so forgive me if the hysteria of an over-enthusiastic minority in the media is starting to grate. Come November I'll probably be as bad as them.
